Naughty Jokes

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THE LETTER
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To My Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times,which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often :

- 54 times the sheets were clean
- 17 times it was too late
- 49 times you were too tired
- 20 times it was too hot
- 15 times you pretended to be asleep
- 22 times you had a headache
- 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
- 16 times you said you were too sore
- 12 times it was the wrong time of the month
- 19 times you had to get up early
- 9 times you said weren't in the mood
- 7 times you were sunburned
- 6 times you were watching the late show
- 5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
- 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
- 9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed,the activity was not satisfactory because 6 times you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

THE REPLY
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To My Dear Husband,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons
you didn't get more than you did:

- 5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat
- 36 times you did not come home at all
- 21 times you didn't cum
- 33 times you came too soon
- 19 times you went soft before you got in
- 38 times you worked too late
- 10 times you got cramps in your toes
- 29 times you had to get up early to play golf
- 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
- 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
- 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
- 2 times you had a splinter in your finger
- 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
- 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
- 98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc.on TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed and were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

A famous reporter was doing a documentary on the customs of the American Indians. After a tour of a reservation that they were on, she asked what was the significance and major differences in the number of feathers on the head dresses that they were wearing.
She asked a young Indian who only had one feather on his head dress. His reply was, "ME ONLY HAVE ONE WIFE, ME HAVE ONLY ONE FEATHER."
She asked another young man, feeling that the first guy was only joking. This young Indian had four feathers on his head dress. He replied,"OGH! ME HAVE FOUR FEATHERS BECAUSE ME SLEEPS WITH FOUR WIVES."
Still not convinced about the number of feathers actually indicated the number of wives involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a head dress full of feathers, which needless to say, amused the reporter.
She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers on your head dress?"
The chief proudly pounded his chest and said,"ME CHIEF! ME FUCK-EM ALL, BIG, SMALL, FAT, TALL, ME FUCK-EM ALL!!"
Horrified, the reporter stated, "YOU OUGHT TO BE HUNG!!"
The chief replied, "YOU DAMNED RIGHT ME HUNK.....BIG LIKE BUFFALO,LONG LIKE SNAKE!!"
The reporter cried, "YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SO HOSTILE."
The chief replied, "HORSE-STYLE, DOG STYLE, WOLF-STYLE, ANY STYLE, ME FUCK EM ALL!"
Tears in her eyes, the reporter cried, "OH DEAR!!"
The chief replied, "NO DEER, ME NO FUCK DEER, ASSHOLE TOO HIGH AND FUCKERS RUN TOO FAST, ME NO FUCK DEER!"

It's the Spring of 1962 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says. "That's cool," says Bobby. Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby-so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it. "Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: "Dammit Daddy! It's called the twist!!!"

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is also standing out on the balcony ," his son replied.

The elephant and the naked man. What did the elephant say to the naked man? How the hell can you breathe with that little thing.

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in.
"Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
"SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that shit in here," the priest says.

A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours.
Afterwards, they're just lying there, each savoring the nearness of the other. The telephone rings.
Because it's the woman's house, she reaches over and picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation. She is speaking in a cheery voice. "Hello? Oh, hi! So glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. Sounds like you are having a terrific time. Great! Okay. Buh-bye."
She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," she replies, "that was my husband. He called to tell me what a wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and various misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time." If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis fifty times"

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.
"I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner things the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen.
He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man."
Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here".

A bloke goes to the doctor and says, "I got this sex problem, doc".
"Well", says the quack, "Tell me about your average day".
"Well, it all starts in when I get on the train to work I meet this girl every day and we get a compartment to ourselves and have sex all the way there".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack.
"No you don't", said our hero. "When I get to work my secretary really fancies me and I have to give her one in the storeroom".
"Oh....now I see", said the quack.
"No no no", he said. "When I go to lunch I meet this dinner lady I'm very fond of and we nip out the back for a quickie".
"Now I understand", said the patient doctor.
"No, hang on", said the bloke. "When I get back to work in the afternoon my boss, a very demanding lady I might add, has to have me or she says she'll give me the sack".
Ahh....", said the doctor, "now I see..".
"No, there's more", said our man, "when I get home my wife is so pleased to see me she gives me a blow job before dinner and then we have sex afterwards".
"What's your problem?". asked the doc.
"Well...", said our hero, "it hurts when I masturbate"

A young lad walks into a whorehouse with a dead frog and demands from the madam a hooker who has a case of AIDS. The madam, taken aback, looks at the young lad and says,
"I can't do that!".
The young lad takes out $1,000 and gives it to her. "Now bring me a hooker who has a scortching case of AIDS!"
The madam thinks about it for a minute and figures it's his life. She takes the money and just before she leads him to the woman, she says, "I have to know... why do you want a hooker with AIDS?"
"Well," the lad replies, "tonight the babysitter is coming over and we're going to end up screwing. When my father takes her home he'll screw her in the car. When my father comes home, he'll screw my mother,then the next morning when the postman comes, she'll screw him too.I pissed at him for killing my froggy.

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With you," he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber."

The wives of four presidents and prime minister are talking together about how a penis is called in their language.
The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering.
The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you call it a patriot, because you never know if it will hit you on the front or on the back side.
The wife of Chirac says in France you call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act.
Well the wife of Clinton says in the USA you call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth.

A nun went into confession and told the priest, "I let a man do something dirty with me. I can't tell you what it was, it's just toodegrading."
The priest started to fondle her breasts and asked, "Did he do this?"
She siad, "Yes. But worse."
He slid his hand up her dress. "Did he do this?"
"Yes. But worse."
He took off her panties and started fingering her. "Did he do this?"
"Yes. But worse."
He opened his pants, got on top of her, and started making love to her.
"Did he do this?"
"Yes. But worse."
The priest was at a loss. "What could possibly be worse than THIS?"
The nun, tears in her eyes, cried out, "HE GAVE ME AIDS!"

A husband and wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary. That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says, "Honey, do you remember this?"
He looks up at her and says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married."
She says, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?"
He nods and says, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what was it?" she asks.
He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhhhh Baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out."
She giggles and says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you said. So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?"
Again he looks up at her and looks her up and down and replies, " Mission Accomplished."

A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69.
"What do you mean?" he asked. Not knowing quite how to explain, she said "you put your head between my legs and I'll put my head between your legs", still unsure but willing, he agreed.
As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a riproaring fart.
"What the hell was that?!?" he asked.
"Oops! I'm so sorry! Let's try again" she said. On the second attempt the very same thing happened.
The man immediatley got up and started getting dressed.
"Where are you going?" she asked, to which he replied...
"If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!"

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.
The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"
He answered " You've got to keep that old motor running." The following year she gave birth again.
The same nurse said "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"
He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running."
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said "You must be quite a man."
He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running."
The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil. This one's black."

Once upon a time there was a King who had a very beatiful princess. As he felt he was getting older he wanted to have a grandson who would continue ruling the kingdom.
He invited all princes from all over the world and held two-week competitions to choose a lucky prince that could marry the beatiful princess. On the final day there were three princes left. Since only one prince could marry the beautiful princess the King then anncounced the last game: "Go and bring as many pingpong balls as you can. I give you a year to do this."
Eleven months later, a prince showed up. He arrived with a ship full of pingpong balls. Everyone in the kingdom was amazed and thought that the prince would win the competition and marry the beatiful princess.
The king wisely said, "Let's wait for the other two princes"
On the very last day -just before the 12 months erupted, the second prince came. And he had with him 'three ships full of pingpong balls'. No doubt this prince would be the future king. The King announced the winner and 40-day party for everyone in the kingdom.
The royal wedding took place in a city hall next morning. Everyone was there to witness the wedding. The bride and the groom promised to cherish and love for health or sickness, for rich or richer. Then the priest said "Whoever here objects to this wedding, please raise your hand or forever hold your peace." The room was sacredly quiet. But suddenly the door was banged, and someone shouted "Stop the wedding!!!".
It took a while for everyone to learn that he was the third prince. He was very dirty, blood all over his body, and his cloths were torn to pieces. He was carrying two big sacks over his shoulder. There was silence for almost a minute, before the King said, "Dear Son, you can't stop the wedding. We have chosen the winner. You know, the first prince came with one ship of pingpong balls. The second one -who is marrying the princess- had three ships of pingpong balls. Now look at yourself, you only have two sacks".
The third prince looked shocked; "What, pingpong balls...... I thought you said KINGKONG BALLS......"

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy one cold blustery January day.
The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold".
The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs, the body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend.
The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they'll warm up. " He did and his hands warmed up.
Later in the ride he said, "My nose is freezing cold."
The daughter said, "Put it between my legs, it will warm up." He did and his nose warmed up.
Later still in the ride he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The next day, the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother and she said to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?"
And the daughter replied, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out!"

Four guys were telling stories in a bar. One guy leaves to go to the restroom. Three guys are left...
The first guy says, "I was worried that my son was going to be a loser because he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a break, they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the dealership. In fact, he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new Mercedes for his birthday."
The second guy says, "I was worried about my son too because he started out raking leaves for a realtor. Turns out HE got a break, they made him a commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm. In fact he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his birthday."
The third guy says, "Yeah, I hear you. MY son started out sweeping floors in a brokerage firm. Well, HE got a break, they made HIM a broker, and now he owns the brokerage firm. In fact, he's so rich that he just gave HIS best friend $1 million in stock for his birthday."
The fourth guy comes back from the restroom. The first 3 explain that they are telling stories about their kids so he says, "Well, I'm embarrassed to admit that my son IS a major disappointment. He started out as a hairdresser and is STILL a hairdresser after 15 years. In fact I just found out that he's gay and has SEVERAL boyfriends. But I try to look at the bright side, his boyfriends just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and $1 million in stock for his birthday!"

One day, a large group of people were waiting for the bus at a local Greyhound station. At the front of the line was a very attractive woman dressed in a black business vest, white blouse, leather miniskirt, and high heels.
As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she reaches behind her and unzips the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tries again.
Again, she finds that she cannot maneuver the step, so once more she reaches behind her and unzips her skirt a little more. With a smile, she looks at the bus driver and tries to board again.
With disappointment, she finds that she still can't step that high and so with exasperation and a sigh she unzips her skirt the rest of the way down.
To her amazement, her leg still will not reach the bottom step. Finally, a very large Texan behind her gently grabs her by the waist, lifts her up, and places her on the bus.
The woman turns to the Texan furious and says, "Who do you think you are to touch my body in that way? I don't even know you!"
Nonplused, the Texan looks at her and replies, "Well, ma'am, after you unzipped my fly I thought we were pretty good friends."


Mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers:

She did check on him often to see if he had learned the lesson, and heard 1,2,3,4,5,6,7.
She was very happy until one day she checked and heard 3-5,3-5,3-5.

A girl and a guy get married and the girl gets pregnant.
So the doctor tells them not to have sex until the baby is delivered. But the couple get very horny one night and start having sex.
Suddenly the guys penis gets stuck in the gals vagina. They struggle a lot but he cant get it out. So they get over to the hospital and call for the doctor.
The doctor gives the girl a sweet and tells her to swallow it. She does so and suddenly his penis comes out.Afterwards she asks the doctor how he did it and he explains "When the baby saw the sweet, he left the banana."


If u have any jokes sent it to [email protected]

Last updated 3 August 1998.